South Fork March 2012

March 21, 2012 South Fork of the Provo River. This is a tale of a hog at a trough. Fishermen call huge fish “Hogs” South Fork doesn’t have any “Hogs” the hog in this story is me. I think I had an epiphany on the river today; actually it was coming off the river when I realized how late it was. Here’s the story, I neglected work for the day, which in my mind is not really a big deal; but I have to be back home by at least 5:00 maybe 5:30 at the latest because my daughter Madeline has a performance at school. No problem, just look at your watch, and leave a few hours before you need to go. As a matter of fact, a wise person would account for traffic, and leave themselves a buffer. It just means you don’t act like a hog slurping up everything, over indulging, being a glutton and putting yourself in a situation where the pressure is on to make it on time.

Its one thing, if you do this sort of thing once in a while, but the truth is that I do it more than I do not do it. What specifically am I talking about? Today is a perfect example I don’t have a watch on—lost it on Big Cottonwood River, and I don’t take my phone because I don’t want to get it wet. So, I am left with guessing on the time, which I think I can do, like I can read the sun, or just sort of feel it. By the time Johnny and I get back to the truck, it’s almost a quarter to 5:00 and we still have at least an hour drive. I feel that sick feeling in my stomach; I get a gush of anxiety mixed with anger sweeping over me. The thing is I can’t blame anyone. It’s not Johnny’s fault, not by a stretch, I didn’t even tell him I had to be home. I can’t blame anyone at home—kids or wife. The worst part is that no one will express any anger or really even disappointment. They won’t show any of those sobering emotions because they are always ready to accept that dad may be late, or may even miss things all together because he is gone fishing… It has to come to this: either set some type of grown-up guide lines for yourself or stop fishing.

What father wants his kids to feel even for one second that fishing is more important than them? Stupid question, even a really crappy father would not want his kids to think that they are less important than his indulging habit. I have the most amazing wife of all time, and the most fantastic daughters any man could ever wish for—Hannah, Madeline and Jacqueline. I would rather go my entire life and never fish again than to create a feeling in them that they are not the most important thing in my life. But actions speak louder words; even if the message we send does not reflect our true feelings.

Fishing is a chance to get away from the world we live in; a chance to connect with our roots; a chance to connect with the great mother. Listen to that, what a huge crock of shit. Who knows what it’s about, but it should never come at the expense of your family. I can’t say for sure what each fisherman is after; I don’t know what they look for each time they go out. But we are all pretty much the same; we are all looking for the same things. I need to really find out what I am looking for and decide what its worth. I feel I have to do some growing up, I’m 45-years-old I am not supposed to be struggling with these type of issues.

As it all turns out, I made it through traffic in time to attend Madeline’s performance, in fact I wasn’t even a little bit late. But that’s not the point, I had to drive home in that mad panic, putting a real buzz kill on a fabulous day of fishing hoping and praying that I would not see the look on my wife or daughters face that said, “ of course he’s late, he’s been fishing.” Maybe an old dog can learn new tricks, maybe it’s not too late to tell the fish and the river “good bye for today, I have to go I have more important things than you and my own needs to attend to. You never have to dodge a bullet if you never get in the line of fire.